My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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