It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
