You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Is it penis luge time yet?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
