you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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