Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
