no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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