I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
