i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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