Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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