Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
