the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
