i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
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