dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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