mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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