Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
