I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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