I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
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Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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