OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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