Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
