There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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