You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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