she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
