And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
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she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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