We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize