mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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