five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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