textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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