just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
