Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
