Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
