I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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