Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
