conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
