sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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