Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she looked like the before picture.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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