dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
