Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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