p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
