Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
