His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
