From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
