Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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