im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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