I can text with my tongue
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
