Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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