so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
