It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
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And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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