I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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