you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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