just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm like, not good at living.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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