omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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