make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
