All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
