it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
