I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
