Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
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i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
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I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.