The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
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I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize