it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
