just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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