I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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